Amy N. Russell

Well, everything was going pretty good. My money was flowing well, and running was going smoothly. Ultimate Ab, and Maximum power classes were right on schedule… that is until…. today.

You see, living with nothing really pulls the best out of you. You learn to live without all your hearts desires, and it makes you realize how bad you want something. I guess if I could just put everything into perspective it would all make sense… but i’m not that kind of person. I am a go get er’. I never seem to give up. Sometimes, i think maybe I don’t need to give up, but just give in a little. Then, I think about it a little longer and decide, no, the time is not right.

Working two jobs is already insane, but working two jobs and taking three classes is even more insane. It is amazing that I can always make time for excersise… everyday. Today, I even made time for a twenty minute nap.

It was an extremely long day.. and Mandy and I actually kind of got kicked out of the Home Depot by the store manager. You see, usually I am the one to lose my temper, but today Mandy lost hers because she was trying to take up for me. It really wasn’t pretty- but weird-me being the peace maker. Of course, our boss took care of the situation and we didn’t get kicked out, because honestly we were only doing our job, which the store manager obviously did not like.

Oh, well, my money situation is kinda screwed up, because I just had to pay over $1,000 to take 3 classes and that really doesn’t even include my books. When your on a budget, and your trying to save for your next big move-little things always pop up and keep you from getting anywhere, but backwards. Fortuantely, I took care of it like I always do.

I’m starting to doubt myself though, I’m starting to tell myself, “I can’t do this!” and quiet frankly because of matters in my life I feel like I’ve lost my mind. Mandy clarified it all for me today. She said, “Yes, Amy, You have completley lost your mind, but I understand I’ve been there.” What are friends for, right? All of these things that are causing me to lose it… I’m putting them in my I understand file.

The only thing to look forward to is CHANGE, and everthing is defenitley changing, but maybe this is what I’ve waited for all along- a miraculous change.

Well, it is hard to say why I haven’t blogged lately, but I’ve really been quiet a busy little woman. My company has just went to a full blown out packdown team, and becoming a keyholder has been a little wild.

I’m watching the History of Sex right now on the history chanel, but besides that…

The first night I closed the store on my complete own, was a disaster. You see… no one told me about the keys to the doors, so while I was trying to figure it all out, I somehow managed to break the lock on the door. It kind of just feel out into my hand. I was at the store forever… I had to call a locksmith, and of course I was just about to freak the heak out, but I managed to handle it well.

Then, I decided to go MIA for a while… hard to explain, but a vacation was much needed. For me, I have to make time for vacation, so I did.. and I had a blast with some great people!!!!

I will be taking 11 days of work in July to go to FL. I’m traveling, probably going to fly come to think of it.. or maybe i’ll just drive, but I’m going to Jacksonville to visit with some of my favorite and greatest friends for my 21st birthday.

Things here in GA are looking better for me. So far I’ve been running like crazy.. and I just started the ultimate AB workout that kicks butt! Today during the workout I thought I was going to die, “Make it Burn” they said, and I was like, “Don’t worry my friend.. It flinkin burns!!”

They guy said that he was going to show us exactly what it takes to get rock solid ABS and all I could thing was “Do I have what it takes”- I quickly changed my attitude and told myself, oh yeah, baby, I got what it takes.

Desire may get you nowhere with anyone else, but it can carry you yourself a long way. Dedication is the key. You’ve got to have the want to!

Anyway, that is enough of my crazy babbling, just because I’m lonely doesn’t mean it gives me the right to type my life away. I need to get some sleep anyway.. I have a long run tomorrow, and I want to blow it out of the water!

Training for work went well. Everyday…. heels, make-up, hair, and business attire. Well, that is about the whole of it. Anyway, I got a small promotion. I really don’t know all the details of the new job, but I guess I’ll learn as I go.

I enjoy my job, but honestly I’m looking for something bigger and better- aren’t we all? So I applied for a job as a Territory manager, for a company that sells satellite. We’ll just have to see how that goes. Brave move by me only being 20 years old, or maybe I should say 21, since I’m fixing to turn. I’m young, but I have plenty of potential to succeed at this level.

I’m actually going to work in about 10 minutes because I have to close the store tonight, but I just wanted to give you a quick update.

This is such a drastic change from my last blog, but today was great! I’m actually about to leave to go out of town for training for work, but I wanted to blog on something a little more positive.

For the first time in a while today I feel like a star! I feel confident beautiful and full of love and laughter!

I was extremely touched tonight at work (by the way I am training to be a keyholder- more stress) anyway, I always have a wonderful attitude at work. I figure- if I got to do it- why not do it GREAT! So that is what I attempt to do.

I am the kind of person who leads! I am NOT a follower, never have been- it must run in the genes. Anyway, I was complemted many times today. First, on my hair. I have a completely new look and somehow it has lifted my spirits a bit higher. It is shorter and blonde, brown, and Red. Strange? I know, but I love it. Then, I was complemeted for my wonderful attitude.

I could never go a single a day without making ONE person smile. I love to bring joy and light into the world- everything is bad enough in people’s lives. I just love to see someone smile, and take satisfaction in the knowing that I was the cause of something so simple.

Someone told me once I should be someone’s boss, well, now I am. I am the boss of the store when the managers are not there. I love it, and before I doubted myself, but come to find out -I’m actually really good at it. Now I’ve decided I shouldn’t just be someones’ boss I should have my own store. Of course this will not happen soon by no means, I still want to become a teacher- my first goal- but then I’m going to run my own business. I know that I would be very successful. FAILURE is a word that doesn’t exist in my mind.

If I do happen to Fail at something you better believe that I went down fighting, and even when I get to the bottom nothing can keep me there long, NOTHING. I will conquer the bad things in life and I will be successful, and most of all I will do it proudly, and courageously- yet humbly.

I’m home sick… love sick…. it’s simple… my heart is sick..

Two months ago I thought I had it all figured out. For once I was satisfied with myself. To me everything was going to be just fine. Life was.. what i made it… and it happened to be great at the time.

Now I’m not so sure. I’m not sure why I’m so depressed. The ideal thing is to make me a folder; the “I don’t understand” folder. Somewhere I can write down the things I don’t understand and toss them away for the time when I do understand.

Right now it seems my life is going no where. It is like pressing the gas as hard as I can but never getting over 30 miles an hr. It is like being at the bottom of some pit struggling constantly to get out but nothing happens. It is like trying to push a wall down with all my might but it never seems to fall, or shuffling my feet rapidly and never moving 1 inch forward.

Then there are the times when I finally sit back and stare at the wall before I break down into tears of anger because I don’t understand why I can’t push it down.

Every morning I look in the mirror at this completely lost person staring directly back into my eyes. And for the life of me I can’t seem to get it right. No matter how hard I try I can’t seem to figure out who I am.

The things that I want are so clear to me, but it is like I don’t exactly know the way to get there.

There was a time that for once I felt beautiful, and attractive. This was a very recent time in my life. I was proud of who I was, and all the things around me. People that I loved - cared about me as well, and motivated me to be something great.

I’m not quiet sure how these things come to a dead end and then it is like I’m constantly looking back praying when I turn around they’ll be right in front of me. This never seems to be the case.

I have so many questions that have been left unanswered and I just don’t understand. Why? is the biggest question I have. if someone could just give me an honest answer, then maybe, just maybe I could break through the spider webs surrounding me.

I’ve done everything I can, and it still isn’t enough to make me satified.

The worst feeling in the world is to know that there is not one thing you can do… not a single one that would make the worst hurt of your life go away. Time? Well, maybe time is the answer. How much time though? Someone recently told me… A lifeTIME.