04.21.07 | Sick
Posted in General at 11:57 pm by Amy
I’m home sick… love sick…. it’s simple… my heart is sick..
Two months ago I thought I had it all figured out. For once I was satisfied with myself. To me everything was going to be just fine. Life was.. what i made it… and it happened to be great at the time.
Now I’m not so sure. I’m not sure why I’m so depressed. The ideal thing is to make me a folder; the “I don’t understand” folder. Somewhere I can write down the things I don’t understand and toss them away for the time when I do understand.
Right now it seems my life is going no where. It is like pressing the gas as hard as I can but never getting over 30 miles an hr. It is like being at the bottom of some pit struggling constantly to get out but nothing happens. It is like trying to push a wall down with all my might but it never seems to fall, or shuffling my feet rapidly and never moving 1 inch forward.
Then there are the times when I finally sit back and stare at the wall before I break down into tears of anger because I don’t understand why I can’t push it down.
Every morning I look in the mirror at this completely lost person staring directly back into my eyes. And for the life of me I can’t seem to get it right. No matter how hard I try I can’t seem to figure out who I am.
The things that I want are so clear to me, but it is like I don’t exactly know the way to get there.
There was a time that for once I felt beautiful, and attractive. This was a very recent time in my life. I was proud of who I was, and all the things around me. People that I loved - cared about me as well, and motivated me to be something great.
I’m not quiet sure how these things come to a dead end and then it is like I’m constantly looking back praying when I turn around they’ll be right in front of me. This never seems to be the case.
I have so many questions that have been left unanswered and I just don’t understand. Why? is the biggest question I have. if someone could just give me an honest answer, then maybe, just maybe I could break through the spider webs surrounding me.
I’ve done everything I can, and it still isn’t enough to make me satified.
The worst feeling in the world is to know that there is not one thing you can do… not a single one that would make the worst hurt of your life go away. Time? Well, maybe time is the answer. How much time though? Someone recently told me… A lifeTIME.
Hey Sweety, (from a relative perspective of course! Like a father to daughter!) You’re not always all alone! I usually try to take the time mostly on Mondays to escape from what’s ahead of me for the week and read your’s and Justin’s Blogs, website or whatever you want to call it. It sounds like you’re ready for a much needed vacation! To escape everything! I am too! Aunt Linda and I will just have to take a day or two and come up that way and see you. You’ve been sick, right? You had to take time off from work? You needed a good cry, you got one! Now all you need is a shoulder to lean on! That’s what a loving family and best friends are for! We’re always there for you if you ever need us! Relax, everything is just a test anyway. It can’t last forever! E-mail me sometime. We Love You, Uncle David.
Honestly, I think everyone feels a little lost — if not all of the time, most of the time.
I know you remember that quote from Firefly: “When you can’t run, you crawl, and when you can’t crawl — when you can’t do that…You find someone to carry you.”
Hi
I can’t be bothered with anything these days, but shrug. I just don’t have anything to say recently.
G’night
Amy sweetie all i can say is that i know im late on this so dont punish me to bad.just remenber as from one family member to another you will always be loved.For the sick think…….WELL i guess you’ll just have to be sick for the time being.Love ya lots sweetie.Be good.